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Submitted on
January 14, 2013
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More than the naivete of momentary bliss,
The maelstrom around you rages on,
But behind your eyes the storm has broken.
Only the final mist remains before
You choose to raise the sun again.
Like taking a breath of mountain air--
Tranquility of the blood in your ears
That you once believed was the ocean.
I wrote this for my creative writing class. We were, sadly, limited to 8 lines. I hope this makes sense.
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:iconmichel-le-fou:
First of all, I am thrilled to read your work again. Now, as to content, stylistics and so on. This is one of many poems that compensates brevity with emotional and descriptive values. Short and direct, as I analyzed another poem. In this case too, I see nothing wrong. The height of emotion in the words is outstanding and the analogy is good. A maelstrom of confused emotions rages onward, momentary bliss is nave, and a storm is breaking. Exciting usage, albeit a bit too often used. Not your fault. Popular dictum. And to conclude the blood in his ears is a comparison to the ocean.
What do you think?
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:iconnemox7:
NemoX7 Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013   Writer
Nicely written. And your message was conveyed passionately within the set limit of 8 lines. I see no need for their to be any more. Fantastic from start to finish. And before I go forgetting, the best of luck with your creative writing classes.
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:iconvegetabelle:
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Student General Artist
Why thank you! ^_^ You are so kind. Good luck writing yourself!
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:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's gorgeous!
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:iconvegetabelle:
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Student General Artist
Thank you! ^_^
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:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're quite welcome, dear!
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:iconvegetabelle:
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Student General Artist
:icongrin--plz:
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