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There's a cage in my chest made of bones,
And it's keeping my heart locked in place.
My mistakes slowly welded it closed
So I wouldn't throw my love away.

Are there ways to slip under those bars?
Will the past be too hard to escape?
I'm attracted by all that you are,
Not the flattering words you could say.

There's attachment I know that you felt,
But I claimed not to reciprocate.
Now, the truth is, you made my heart melt.
I just hope that it isn't too late.

There's a rush that I feel in my head
Every time I am caught in your stare.
Though, I wish you could hold me instead,
I'll be happy if you're always there.

I don't know how to make you believe
That I'm still on the end of the line.
If I just got my heart on my sleeve,
Then I know that I could make you mine.
This was partially inspired by the artist comment at the bottom of "Writer's block" by *Souljacol [link] more specifically the word "ribcage." The other sources of inspiration were the prompts "rush" and "melt" at :iconthewritingobsession:.

I actually spent significantly more time writing this because I accidentally made a fixed meter in the first stanza. To be more specific, it's anapestic trimeter.

Sorry to the OCD people who like even numbers, there are five stanzas. While I prefer even numbers of pretty much anything else, I prefer odd numbers in sets because then there is an exact middle. I guess I'm just weird like that.
Add a Comment:
This work is quite beautiful and I love the expressions used in it. There meter and rhymnig are amazing and very original at places. The theme aside from the expressions is really good. The way you started with the first stanza, with the relation to the misakes and all was wonderful.

The rest of the flowwas really good as well, there were no areas where I felt you could do better. The ending then came surely and as expected but did in no way disappoint, it was really well written

The only issue i might have with this work is that in the second stanza, third line where the meter feels a bit awkward:

I'm attracted to all that you are

making I'm into I am might work. Over all, a really good work.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

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Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I like that you used your body and made it as an actual cage for your heart... Very clever and cute.
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012  Student General Artist
YAY! I'm glad you appreciated that! :iconsocuteplz: I didn't know if any one would notice that. ;P
the-3rd Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Brilliant work, again :D The sense of regret comes through clearly, as does that cringing feeling of falling for someone after they've fallen for you, when you're no longer sure how they feel about you. There are interesting suggestions throughout the poem that give it more substance, and make it more than just an account of a passing fling or crush. The only question I have is with regards to the "Are there ways to slip under that bar?" line. I read it a few times and I was wondering, if you're referring to the rib cage in itself whether "those bars" wouldn't work a bit better there.

Overall, this is really great work. Keep it up! :iconcheerplz:
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you for reading and leaving such an insightful comment. I think you got my meaning perfectly. I'm glad! That helps me know I got my point across. :)

I'll look into that question. I originally hadn't said "bars" because I was afraid it wouldn't count as rhyming. What do you think? (If it counts, I'll probably change that part.)

Thanks for being so encouraging! I really appreciate it!
the-3rd Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome. The sound doesn't change dramatically when it's in plural form, so I think they rhyme would stay intact.
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012  Student General Artist
Ok! Thank you so much! ^_^ I'll change it then.
Rifle1980 Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012   General Artist
this is fabulous Kerry and thank you for mentioning my poem in the description :)
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012  Student General Artist
Oh of course! ^_^ That was the main inspiration for the poem.
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Submitted on
August 16, 2012
File Size
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