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poems inspiring me to write my own by cristinewakesuphappy

literature by Mylene2511

Awesome Poetry by atlantic-lungs


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Submitted on
May 4, 2012
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643 bytes
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282
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We waded through a sea of green,
Broken up by only pale white, painted lines.
We stared up at the cotton clouds,
With our backs in the grass against the ground,
And wished there were stars in the air.
The sun, low in the skies,
Painted us golden-topaz.
And smiles lit up our eyes
As we passed laughter all around.
We watched as the glowing moon woke up,
And the stars traded shifts with the day;
As the lights came on when the darkness fell,
And the beauty of it stole all our words away.
The first thing you might notice about this poem (if you read a lot of my other poems,) is that the lines are longer. I wanted this to flow and read better like natural speech.
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:iconnemox7:
I haven't written a critique for quite some time. So I thought what the heck I'd write one now.

Firstly, I adore how this flows. It's very natural and I found it to be also very relaxing. The first line, "We waded through a sea of green", caught my attention, as it creates an image of walking through tall grass in the summer.

"We stared up at the cotton clouds", gives your poem a feeling of romantic melancholy as though you were with someone say a lover or a best friend, and that you were content to relax in the grass.

A sense of longing comes into your poem with "...wished there were stars in the air", but I also loved how you used this has a sort of pivot to the rest of your poem.

"The sun, low in the skies,
Painted us golden-topaz.
And smile lit up our eyes"


I just loved this part as it gives me an impression of joy. It also alludes to your theme if intended of just relaxing in a field with out any worry or care.

"And the stars traded shifts with the day;
As the lights came one when the darkness fell,
And the beauty of it stole all our words away.
"

Such a sublime way to finish your poem and it concludes it nicely. I love your effective use of time in this part.

All in all, I'm pleased I read this poem. It made me smile and also because I'm very sleepy, it will ensure me content sleep as I dream of a sea of green. My hat (that's if I wore one) goes off to you.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

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:icona7xfan666:
A7XFan666 Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012
Amazing :clap:
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:iconvegetabelle:
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Student General Artist
:bow:
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:icona7xfan666:
A7XFan666 Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012
You're welcome :D
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:iconrifle1980:
Rifle1980 Featured By Owner May 5, 2012   General Artist
i really love it, Kerry :)
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:iconvegetabelle:
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner May 5, 2012  Student General Artist
I'm glad. ^_^ :hug:
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:iconredsuzanne:
RedSuzanne Featured By Owner May 4, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I love it. I do not know as much about poetry any more, just the vague remembrances of school. Personally, I love the story effect of this!

Beautiful visuals, and loving feel from it. Thank you!!
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:iconvegetabelle:
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner May 4, 2012  Student General Artist
I'm glad you like it! :heart: Thank you so much! You picked up a loving feel eh? You're good.
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:iconredsuzanne:
RedSuzanne Featured By Owner May 4, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Oh. Was I not supposed to? I mean..

Oh, never mind. Yes, I did. And it is a wonderful kind too.
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:iconvegetabelle:
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner May 5, 2012  Student General Artist
It was a secret. ;P That makes me feel wonderful.
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:iconredsuzanne:
RedSuzanne Featured By Owner May 6, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Really?? I am so glad!! Yea!
The piece made me feel wonderful, so you did it again!
Brava, Maestra!
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